I used to not think much about marriage. When Iwas in college, I used to not wanting getting married in a young age. “At least 27 years old…,” was what I used to say. But, with everyone around is getting married one by one, I, in my 25 years of age, started to wander.
They said, “It’s better to get married while you are young. Therefore you can properly support your kids until they graduate from university.” Or, they said, “Why are you waiting so long? If you feel that you’ve found the right guy, then just go for it!” When I answered, “I’m not ready, and he’s not ready. I need to have everything settled, financially and mentally, before I proceed to the next step.” They will answered, “That’s just an excuse. It just indicates you’re not confident enough on your guy. You’re just simply not thinking that he’s the one.”
Honestly, it made me think.
I mean, how can I tell that he’s the right one? The more I think about it, the more I think I need to get a new guy. Just simply to compare, so I can know the answer. And the more I think about it, the more I found that he’s actually not the right one. I just found one flaws after another. More and more things to justify that I just have to move on to find a new guy, which will be the right one for me. More and more times to think and said to myself, “I’ve done enough; I deserve better!”
That last two sentences was the sentences I found in a blog written by Lori Lowe that I recently read (she apparently interview sort of a relationship expert, Dr. Haltzman). When I read it, it’s just so me. Hit me at the right spot.
The Doctor said that, “If we think we know a person well when we marry them, we are temporarily blinded by our love, which tends to minimize or ignore attributes that would make the relationship complicated or downright difficult. In addition, both individuals bring different expectations to the marriage, and we change individually and as a couple over time. No one gets a guarantee of marrying the right person,” says Dr. Haltzman, “so you should assume you married the wrong person.”
He added that this is caused by our culture of choice. We have so many choices in our life, for all sort of things that we do. And we tend to apply that on the way we choose our partner.
He also added that, “I’ll cut to the chase and reveal that people are happier with the choices they make when there are relatively few choices from which to choose. With too many choices, we can become overburdened and regretful and constantly question our decision. Today, individuals may feel they have many choices of mates, and fear lost opportunities with potential “right” partners. This may happen even after a person is married, as he or she questions the decision to marry with each bump in the road.”
And because we apply that, we create the belief that there is someone out there that is “better for me – I’ve done enough and I deserve better.” It makes us continuously and persistently searching for the right one, and not be the right one.
Get it? Search for instead of try be the right one.
So, I guess, when it comes to the question “Is he/she the right one?” we just have to say (and as the Doctor put it) “‘This is the person I chose, and I need to find a way to develop a sense of closeness with this person for who he or she really is and not how I fantasize them to be.’”
Or in other words, try to be the right one instead.
*) Note : For full article by Lori Lowe and her articles on “Reseach-based Marriage Tips and Insight” please visit http://lifegems4marriage.com/2010/09/10/we-all-married-the-wrong-person/. All pictures show in here are found on the net, and not owned by me.